What you need to know about modern teenagers

Recently, I was sorting through some papers on the living room table and saw a card that a classmate had signed for her daughter on her 11th birthday: "May you live to be 18." Of course, everything inside me shrank.

And this is not a wish to die at a certain age. It's about a friend who is having a very difficult time right now wishing her daughter an easier time in her pre-teen and teenage years.

I try to look at what is happening to children, especially now, as their strategies of adaptation (and often maladaptation). They choose what helps them cope with loneliness, anxiety, powerlessness, pain. They choose what will help them to "live to adulthood". This is the age that is on the verge of childhood and full adulthood and independence from parents (in the perception of children, and then old age in general).

And I think about the basic rule: we cannot take something away without giving something in return. Because this will only lead to new maladjustments.

It's harder for today's children. Not only because of the war, the inability to communicate offline, and chronic stress. Although it is precisely because of the war that they are objectively more lonely. And they do not objectively go through the process of separation the way the previous generation did, because now their safety depends on adults (mostly mothers), and they sometimes even demonstrate dependence on their mothers.

You may remember my own "word of the year" research that I did, referring to the Oxford Dictionary study? The most important words for children under 16 were "family and mom". For teenagers in a "healthy state" these words would be different.

We cannot take something away without giving something in return

And the results of research confirm that this generation combines infantilism, even some regression in reactions, and greater maturity in the topics that it must now work through.

At our children's TV channel PlusPlus, we have observed that the share of children aged 11-14 has increased significantly among our viewers, although the target audience of the channel is 6-8 years old (there is an assumption that older children are regressing, rewatching what they watched when they were 6-8, before the great war).

At the same time, they are striving for independence, but we cannot allow them what we were allowed at their age. Because right now it is dangerous.

And now is also the time when changes in the financial situation of families are possible. Money gives teenagers a sense of confidence.

We can assume that in adolescence, all this adds tension. It has to be released somewhere.

But I am also concerned about the fact that these are children who, for the most part, cannot withstand boredom, the strain of uninteresting activities, and routine responsibility.

One of the studies to be published soon will show that the most common strategy for coping with stress among teenagers is playing computer games and looking at their phones. And in school shelters, children are mostly on their phones. So this strategy is also constantly reinforced.

When there is nothing to do, when there is some minimal tension, they hide in their phones out of habit.

I often write and talk about the network of passive brain activity. That this network is also called the network of reflection and awareness.

I tell my children: "When you think about something on purpose - for example, you solve a problem or read a book - the executive control network is activated. But when you do nothing, that is, when you are not focused on a specific task, the passive brain network is activated."

If a child is used to constantly receiving external stimuli (gadgets, cartoons, games), his or her brain may not be able to switch to a quiet mode of self-reflection. That is, when there are no clear tasks, the network may not be activated, and instead of creative thinking, reflections, or fantasies, there is a feeling of emptiness or obsessive thoughts.

This network is also called the network of self-awareness. If a child does not have the experience of "listening to their thoughts," reflecting, and being aware of their needs, it can be really difficult for them to withstand the state of "doing nothing," the tension of uncertainty, and solitude. This increases the already high level of anxiety.

And when the brain becomes accustomed to fast dopamine surges (for example, from social media or video games), it can tolerate "slow" activities less well.

I recently explained to a teenager the difference between solitude and loneliness. Solitude is when you are in contact with yourself and at the same time there is no feeling inside that you are interrupting the connection with people who are important to you. Loneliness - when this connection is absent. And sometimes you try or look for something to fill the void. Because this "emptiness" hurts.

In this state, children become more vulnerable to manipulation.

In all the projects I'm involved in, I ask them to talk more with children, play board games, reflect, teach them to write essays, teach them mindfulness practices, recognize emotions - their own and others', and gradually pause longer and longer before picking up a gadget.

This helps many people to reduce anxiety, feel less lonely, and become more resilient. And after that, it's easier to turn on healthy criticality and the ability to predict the consequences of your actions.

And with families, we talk about trust, respect, and closeness.

Another important separate topic: aggression and risky behavior, which is inherent in adolescents at all times, can be counter-phobic right now. Cover up their fear and anxiety. It can be easier to show aggression than to admit to fear.

My daughter watches videos on TikTok. She has parental controls, and we talked a lot about safety and caution.

One day she was watching a video with headphones on. I walked by and saw a girl on the screen of her tablet saying something emotional. After the video, the very sensitive girl's emotional state changed dramatically. So much so that I tensed up.

She began to say that life sucks, that school is hell (she has a great school that she loves). And why would she want to live like that?

I drew her attention to the fact that this happened after she watched the video. I asked her, "Were you impressed by what you saw, as if you were infected by the emotions that were there?

And then we talked about what tools can be used to attract the attention of teenagers and manipulate them. And how important it is to be attentive to everything that affects our condition and elections.

We generally talk a lot. But for all our closeness and her wisdom, I know that she, like many children, is vulnerable.

Banning social media and watching videos is not an option. It is important to teach them to monitor their state, to reflect, to realize what has happened, how I feel now, what caused the reaction, and who I can turn to for help.

I thought about what exactly touches children and could have touched my daughter in the video. In general: a sense of loneliness inherent in teenagers and deepened by the war, search for oneself, sexuality, dissatisfaction with one's body, adult prohibitions, conflicts with parents, a desire for independence, a desire to have power or revenge on those "who are to blame"... We should be aware of the "hooks" that can catch children.

What makes them think "how to survive this age," as my daughter's friend thinks.

I recently talked to a teenager I know who was a victim of manipulation. After the situation had stabilized, we talked to her about what had provoked her, what was wrong with her contact with the person she trusted.

She replied: "Respect, and I felt important."

Probably, there was such a huge need for this that it became a dangerous "hook".

May we have the strength and wisdom to be a truly reliable support for children.