Unconscious scenarios that spoil love: why are we attracted to the "wrong" partners?
How many times have you fallen in love with someone who turned out to be something other than what they seemed? Or maybe you've noticed that you're attracted to partners who hurt you, don't appreciate you, don't reciprocate? It would seem that we all want happy relationships, but for some reason we keep falling into the same trap over and over again.
As a psychologist, I often hear from clients: "Why do I always choose those who are emotionally unavailable?"- "Why am I drawn to those who make me suffer?"- "How can I break this vicious circle?"
The reason lies in the unconscious scenarios that guide our choices. Let's look at the top 7 main reasons why we attract the wrong partners and what to do about it.
1. Familiar = safe, even if it's painful
How it works: In childhood, we learn love through relationships with our parents. If love was associated with coldness, criticism, or emotional detachment, in adulthood we unconsciously look for the same kind of partner.
Case study: A woman, 29 years old, chose emotionally unavailable men every time. Her father was a man who worked hard and showed little love. So when a man didn't write, wasn't interested in her affairs, didn't support her, it seemed to her that this was normal.
What to do. Analyze your childhood memories of love and ask yourself the question: "Doesn't this relationship format seem familiar to me just because I've been through it before?"
2. Rescuer syndrome
How it works: We are attracted to "broken" partners who need help: people with addictions, traumas, and emotional instability. We think that if we "save" them, we will be the most valuable to them.
Case study: A woman, 34 years old, has twice built relationships with men who struggled with alcohol addiction. She believed that her love would change them, but each time she was left exhausted and disappointed.
What to do?Ask yourself: "Why do I want to be the savior in a relationship? Why do I feel like I need to earn love?"
3. Adrenaline addiction
How it works: Calm, healthy relationships seem boring, and toxic relationships seem exciting because of the constant emotional swings (intimacy and distance). This can cause real hormonal dependence.
Case study: A woman, 27, told me: "When he doesn't write for a few days, I can't find a place for myself, but when we are together, I feel euphoric." She was not addicted to the man, but to the dopamine that was produced after reconciliation.
What to do:Learn to distinguish between true love and addiction to intense emotions. Ask yourself questions: "Is there respect, support, and reciprocity here?"
4. The desire to prove that we are worthy of love
How it works: If we did not receive enough attention and love in childhood or adolescence, we may reach out to those who ignore us as adults to prove our worth.
Case study: A woman, 30 years old, could not break up with her husband, who ignored her. She kept thinking: "If I look even better, care even more, he will change."
What to do?Develop your self-worth. Love does not need to be earned - it is either there or not.
5. Fear of intimacy
How it works: Unconsciously, we choose inaccessible partners because we are afraid of deep relationships - of being vulnerable and open.
Case study: A man, 35 years old, said that all his partners were busy with others or emotionally cold. At a deep level, he just didn't want real intimacy because he was afraid of being rejected.
What to do?Ask yourself: "Am I using unavailable people as a way to avoid real intimacy?"
6. The internal belief that love = suffering
How it works: Many people have a romanticized notion that true love has to be complicated, dramatic, and suffering.
Case study: A woman, 33 years old, chose only those who caused her pain. When I asked her: "What does perfect love look like?" she replied: "Like in the movies - with obstacles."
What to do? Change your attitude: love is not a struggle, but mutual support and comfort.
7. We just don't know what a healthy relationship is
How it works: If there are no examples of happy couples around, the brain does not know what it should look like.
What to do. Learn about healthy relationships:- Communicate with people who have harmonious couples.- Read books and materials on the topic.- Sign up for therapy to rewrite your unconscious scripts.
How to get out of this cycle?
- Realize your scenario.
- Learn to distinguish between true love and addiction.
- Work on your self-worth.
- Do not be afraid of healthy relationships.
Healthy love is not about playing catch-up, not about constant swings and struggles. It is about reciprocity, trust, and peace.
If you again feel that you are attracted to the "wrong people," ask yourself: "Is this really love? Or is it just another repeated scenario?"
And remember - you deserve real, warm and mutual love. Sincerely, your psychologist, Irina Chenier.