Male passive-aggressive behavior: when to divorce

It is not easy to recognize passive aggression in a man. On the surface, he may be polite and generous, but then he does something that defies any explanation.

In this article, we will look at the reasons for a man's passive-aggressive behavior towards a woman, and give advice on how to live with such a husband.

The source of male passive aggression

It should be understood that aggression in men is a natural force. Unconscious, undirected, often uncontrollable. It allowed our ancestors to survive, take the best place under the sun, fight and defend their beliefs.

A modern man does not have many challenges. However, aggression, albeit in a slightly modified form by evolution, has remained.

And it turns out that without the correct sources of its realization, a man demonstrates aggressive behavior where it can be avoided.

But it's not that simple. The social environment displaces aggressive elements. A man is brought up in accordance with the norms and rules of behavior. From childhood, he learns to suppress his natural anger. This is how passive aggression emerges.

Passive-aggressive behavior according to Wetzler

American psychiatrist Scott Wezler in his book "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression - From the Bedroom to the Boardroom" described male passive aggression:

Passive aggression thrives as a socially tolerated form of behavior. It is widespread and deeply pervasive in all areas of human relations, which is why it is particularly toxic and destructive to both business and any interpersonal contacts.

According to the doctor, a man expresses hidden hostility toward a woman through passive-aggressive behavior. Literally all his incomprehensible actions are rooted in passive aggression even if these actions do not have an obviously negative color.

Passive aggression is formed in childhood - in children accustomed to emotional deprivation.

In adulthood, such people are painfully dependent, if not on real mothers, then on the images of ideal mothers that are firmly entrenched in their subconscious. They find women as saviors, parasitizing them and simultaneously suppressing them throughout their lives.

Mature man vs. passive-aggressive man

The difference between the two is that the former is in harmony with his inner anger, knows how to express it in a directed and socially acceptable way. He protects his family and his interests, and takes full responsibility for the actions and decisions of each member of the "pack."

A passive-aggressive man is not capable of this. He is insecure, withdrawn, and emotionally distant even from his close ones.

You can't rely on him, you can't entrust him with an important matter. He forgets everything, constantly making excuses. He blames others for his problems, but not himself. He is prone to depression, alcohol and other addictions. Neurotic and paranoid, infantile and weak.

A test for your husband

If you notice that your husband's behavior is characterized by strangeness and unexplained protest (and this is against the background of the external well-being of your relationship), conduct a simple test.

Analyze your spouse for the following criteria of passive aggression:

• sees the world in black, is pessimistic, rarely smiles;
• complains that fate is unfair to him, that he is misunderstood by society and underestimated by his superiors;
• denies his guilt even where everything is obvious;
• blames you for everything, analyzes your every mistake in detail, exaggerates your shortcomings;
• quickly gets into an argument and imposes his opinion;
• If he fails to get his way, he demonstrates coldness, sullenness, and indifference;
• constantly criticizes everyone and everything;
• has no authority, is not used to expressing respect, admiration for someone;
• demonstrates his vulnerability and moral fragility;
• does not take on obligations or fails to fulfill them.

If more than half of these criteria fit the description of your husband's behavior, then the diagnosis of passive aggression is correct.

How to communicate with a passive-aggressive man

The rules for interacting with a person in whom repressed anger is bubbling up are based on maintaining self-control. This is the first and most important thing you should remember.

Next:

1. Don't dig into his thoughts and feelings. It is useless.
2. Do not provoke him to open aggression by expressing hostility or rejection.
3. Defend your boundaries. Let them be inviolable. Your time, efforts, feelings, and help should not be devalued.
4. Do not return fire even if your passive-aggressive husband's behavior makes you angry.
5. Realize that the anger inside him has nothing to do with you. You are not to blame for his behavior.
6. Soften your reactions even if you want to throw something at your annoying husband. For example, turn everything into a joke or go to another room for a while to cool down.
7. Learn to distinguish between his passive-aggressive behavior and appropriate actions according to the situation.
8. If he puts things off or shirks his obligations, gently but persistently remind him that this is unacceptable.
9. Resist the urge to tell your husband off like a mother to her son. Otherwise, you will have to babysit him in the future.
10. Don't let him draw you into his game. Speak calmly but openly about problems. Do not hush them up, because any difficulties tend to accumulate like a snowball.
11. Don't admit your guilt where you are completely innocent. If you are partially to blame, clearly delineate your degree of responsibility for the offense.
12. Don't allow yourself to be made fun of, or to be commented on in a half-joking/half-hearted manner.
13. Prevent attempts to ignore your requests and needs.
14. Give honest answers to direct questions. If you are offended, say so. Don't be afraid to tell the truth that is inconvenient for him. But do it correctly and gently.
15. Do not shame him for his infantile behavior.
16. If he doesn't offer to help you around the house, write a to-do list, make schedules, and assign responsibilities. The more clearly you formulate the task, the more likely he is to not ignore it.
17. Cultivate the skill of talking not only about business, but also about feelings. This can be extremely difficult, especially for couples who have been living together for 10+ years.
18. Maintain trusting communication in the family.
19. Be attentive to his words, thoughts, requests, and demand the same for yourself.

When it's time to break up

Sometimes the situation with your husband's passive aggression gets out of hand. It gradually destroys the personality of your loved one, he is no longer the person you married.

Manifestations of repressed anger can become more and more acute over the years:

• moral violence: humiliation, insults, jealousy, ridicule, provocation, suspicion, etc;
• physical violence, even in a mild form;
• alcoholism, drug addiction and other addictions.

It is very important not to plunge into the abyss of codependency - to start blaming yourself, looking for flaws in your behavior, playing the role of a savior. If the husband is cooperative and ready to solve the problem with doctors and psychologists, you can try this way. If he denies his responsibility for such behavior and blames you, there is only one way out - to break up.

*****

It is not easy to live with a passive aggressor, but if you learn to extinguish and restrain this aspect of your husband's personality, you can coexist peacefully and even be a happy couple. We wish you good luck!