Why we are jealous: how to get rid of the feeling of jealousy

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An obsessive desire to control your lover is not as harmless as it seems at first glance. If the jealous person cannot control himself, then, if certain factors are present, he may develop delusions of jealousy, a serious mental disorder.

In our article, we will tell you what jealousy is and why it occurs, as well as give you tips on how to tame a jealous person and get rid of the habit of being jealous of your significant other yourself.

The essence and causes of jealousy

Many people have experienced feelings of jealousy at least once while in a relationship. It's unpleasant for both parties: it causes negative feelings in the jealous person and makes his or her partner feel guilty (even without being guilty).

At the moment of a jealousy attack, a person feels:

• a threat to the relationship from a third party;
• disappointment in their partner;
• annoyance and anger at the circumstances that led to the suspicions.

Most people are jealous infrequently and mildly, in the form of mild feelings. But there are also inveterate jealous people whose feelings are very strong (causing stress and panic), and whose manifestations of jealousy are violent and inadequate to the real situation. The consequences of pathological jealousy are sad: people poison the lives of themselves and their spouse, commit physical and psychological violence.

Why people are jealous

Scientists have come to the conclusion that the jealous reaction is caused by a certain set of brain circuits. It is formed depending on the gender of the jealous person, as well as other psychophysiological factors. For example, men react worse to physical infidelity, while women have a harder time with emotional infidelity. However, the degree of jealousy does not depend on gender: both men and women can experience emotions of varying intensity, from mild prickles (slight psychological discomfort) to pathological conditions with strong feelings and vivid manifestations.

The destructive form of jealousy is the subject of a separate discussion, because this condition is almost always associated with a number of mental problems. Let's consider the classification of its causes.

1. Insecurity

According to studies of the psychology of jealousy, this feeling correlates with low self-esteem. A jealous person is not sure that he or she is good enough and valuable enough for his or her spouse, and that he or she is worthy of being faithful.

At the same time, the inferiority complex is not absolute: in some areas of life, a person can be successful, reaching the top, while in others, he or she can feel like a complete failure. This problem is especially pronounced among young people: how can you not be jealous of a guy if, due to age and hormones, a girl only notices flaws in herself?

2. Obsessive thoughts

For jealous people, the idea of controlling their chosen ones becomes dominant. If at some point they do not know where their loved one is and what he or she is doing, the subconscious mind draws unpleasant pictures of infidelity.

To prevent these thoughts, they ask or even force their spouses to keep a full account of their affairs, plans, trips, and conversations. Any changes from the plan must be agreed upon, otherwise conflict is unavoidable.

3. Paranoia

Paranoia cannot selectively affect any aspect of life. As a rule, such a person has a whole set of paranoid characteristics that do not always provoke a mental disorder.

Mild or moderate paranoia leads to a person ceasing to trust other people, feeling like a victim, an object of ridicule. In the context of jealousy, anything can seem paranoid to a paranoid person: any innocent conversation between a partner and a member of the opposite sex is regarded as participation in an orgy.

It is impossible to convince him or her of fidelity (the absence of infidelity). No matter what evidence is given, the paranoid person will be sure that he is being skillfully deceived. He simply doesn't know how to stop being jealous of his girlfriend/wife, since this is the only possible relationship model for him.

How a jealous person acts

Love jealousy is an ambiguous emotion. On the one hand, it is considered a sign of unhealthy self-esteem and selfishness, and on the other hand, it can even be a joy. Jealousy creates a sense of self-importance in the other half, but it should not be encouraged. One of the reasons why pathological jealousy occurs is the positive evaluation and regular stimulation of this emotion by the partner.

Let's look at the typical actions of a jealous person:

✓ Searching for evidence. In this regard, jealous people can give any detective a run for their money: monitoring the phone (calls and correspondence of the partner), installing a GPS tracker in the car, checking the accuracy of travel reports - this is not a complete list of actions to find clues.

✓ Accusations. A jealous person's ability to manipulate facts is enviable. Any information is distorted and used to prove the legitimacy of their suspicions. And if a spouse decides to keep silent about something, it is presented as 100% proof of infidelity.

✓ Humiliation of potential rivals. If jealousy is directed at a specific person (rival), the jealous person will do everything to prove that he or she is better. And sometimes the person being jealous has no idea what is going on.

✓ Humiliation of the partner. To show their irreplaceability, a jealous person will try to demonstrate the imperfections of their loved one. Like, you are very lucky to have me around. This behavior is classic abuse and emotional violence.

✓ Threats and blackmail. During the next bout of jealousy, a person threatens to break off the relationship, gives ultimatums to their partner. But these are just words. As a rule, it is those whom they promise to leave who are the first to fail under such pressure.

✓ Provocations. The jealous person tries to put the "victim" in their place - to make them jealous. Sometimes this looks ridiculous, and sometimes it undermines trust in the relationship: demonstrative flirting or ambiguous correspondence between a loved one and other people seem to hint at some unflattering games that one is trying to drag the other into.

✓ Fighting with imaginary competitors. If the search for evidence is unsuccessful, the jealous person may invent a rival, or rather attribute this role to someone in the loved one's circle. The lack of evidence will not embarrass him. The "rival" may not even realize that his name is constantly mentioned in the quarrels of the couple he knows.

How to live with a jealous husband

Building a relationship with a pathological jealous person is very difficult. You will be under constant pressure from his suspicions, accusations, and provocations. Oaths of loyalty will not help, nor will reasonable arguments and requests to relax control a little. The easiest way is to leave and give yourself a chance for happiness with another person.

But if this option is not suitable, try to tame the jealous person with the following actions:

• adjust your behavior. Attacks of jealousy are more likely to occur against the background of temporary alienation of partners. If you try to spend a little more time with your husband, he will be less jealous of you;
• show tenderness and care, support your husband, give him compliments;
• do not compare him to other men (even as a joke). Especially if they are real people, not celebrities or movie characters;
• try not to get annoyed when asked about where you have been and what you have been doing. Accept it as a form of interaction. Talk about your business not in the form of a dry report, but in more detail, with emotion;
• If you are going to be late at work or visiting, don't be too lazy to warn your spouse. Ask him to pick you up or call you a taxi;
• do not talk about your former partners, so as not to hurt his pride;
• introduce your husband to your old friends so that he gets to know you and your former environment better. This way, "ghosts from the past" will not become a reason for jealousy and quarrels.

How to live with a jealous wife

The main causes of female jealousy are fear and distrust. Working through these emotions (their causes, depth, and triggers) will answer the question of how to get rid of jealousy in a particular case.

What a man can do:

• Do not indulge in her attempts to set boundaries for her behavior. A woman will try to impose the models of "safe" behavior she needs, but it is better to be firm and suppress her possessive attitude towards her spouse;
• appreciate her efforts, emphasize her beauty and sexuality. Remember that often women's jealousy is caused by the fear of ceasing to be the most beautiful and desirable for their loved one;
• help to forget about traumatic experiences. If your loved one has been betrayed by men in the past, she is probably already psychologically traumatized and will transfer her experience to your relationship;
• establish a trusting relationship. How to stop being jealous of a guy you don't trust? You can rely on a person and feel psychologically comfortable around him or her only if you have mutual trust;
• do not let a slight prick of jealousy turn into paranoia - do not fuel these emotions by defiantly closing the phone screen or hiding it away when your wife appears. It is better to express understanding and show that you are not doing anything "like that" - let your spouse calm down and stop being jealous;
• listen to the advice of a psychologist to get rid of jealousy (as a rule, women willingly agree to a specialist consultation).

How to overcome jealousy in yourself

Many jealous people realize that this destructive feeling is interfering with their lives. If you are one of them, read our tips on how to get rid of jealousy.

1. Reality should win the fight against imagination. This means that any judgments about the actions or words of your spouse should be based solely on facts, not speculation. Realize that the root of evil is not the behavior of the other person, not a coincidence, and not evil separators. It's the irrational thoughts and fears that are in your head. Let common sense overcome them.
2. Discuss your feelings. If not with your lover, then at least with another close person (from among friends, relatives). You need to express your thoughts and feelings and get support. Look for people who will not let you slip into even greater suspicion. Simply put, they won't cheat you. On the contrary, they will convince you that your worries have no serious grounds.
3. Do not increase your jealousy. Don't check your loved one's phone, don't follow them, don't interrogate them. Such demonstrative distrust offends and humiliates a person. You are letting him know that you subconsciously expect betrayal and think he is capable of it.
4. Work on rebuilding your self-esteem. You won't find the answer to the question of how to stop being jealous and controlling your husband until you deal with your own self-esteem. Love yourself, encourage and praise yourself, appreciate your talents and personal qualities. Then your self-confidence will grow every day. And with it, your trust in your partner.
5. Learn self-control. Don't jump to conclusions and accusations if you see or hear something that makes you think about cheating. Remember that in 90% of cases, these are just speculations that are not worth making a conflict out of.
6. Don't exaggerate the exclusivity of your rights to your chosen one. Yes, you can count on loyalty, but you can't forbid him or her to communicate with the opposite sex, or limit their freedom of choice and action. Otherwise, it is no longer a love relationship, but emotional abuse.
7. Get to know your emotions. You should be aware of what exactly, at what moment, and why you are experiencing. This will help you understand the nature of jealousy and how to neutralize it. Plutarch wrote: "Most barbarians are characterized by an innate wild and cruel jealousy," attributing this feeling to people with dark, instinctive feelings. It's up to you to choose whether you want to be like them.

Sigmund Freud believed that one of the main causes of jealousy is the projection of negation - a special logic according to which a jealous person suspects his or her spouse of something that he or she does not bend to. Keep this in mind when you try to once again inflate the jealousy scene out of nothing.