How to make comments to other people's children: six rules
BLOG
Share your opinion: is it worth making comments to other people's children?
- The number one general rule is that parents understand children.
There are exceptions to this rule, no matter how hard you try to be correct. Another child insults yours, another child takes your toys without permission, another child's parents do not respond or are not visible and there is a need to intervene. How to do it?
- General rule number two.
We don't raise other people's children, we define the boundaries of what is acceptable in relation to our child and our right to our toys, things, gadgets. How does this look (sound) in practice?
Instead of "don't push," we say: "I don't allow you to push my girl" or "Please don't push my girl".
Instead of "don't touch!" we say: "This is our scooter, I don't allow you to take it," or "This is our scooter, please ask Masha's permission before you take it."
We do not raise other people's children, we set (control) the rules of the game.
Instead of saying, "Don't take Masha's scooter!" we say: "Let's take turns: you ride it, Masha will do a lap, then you ride it again."
Instead of "give Masha the scooter," we say: "It's Masha's turn to ride," and hold the scooter tightly.
Why is it important to intervene in children's conflicts, especially in toddler conflicts?
Psychologist Irina Katyn-Yartseva says: "The rules of politeness did not emerge in a year or two, but rather thousands of years of trial and error. It is unlikely that any of us consciously wants to neglect this experience and raise our children like little savages. Therefore, it is our task and responsibility as adults to teach children socially acceptable, civilized ways of communication and conflict resolution. And by intervening in children's quarrels, we show them a model of proper interaction."
What if someone else's child is bothering you?
For example, they are kicking on the bus and hurt you, instead of saying "don't kick" we say: "Please don't kick me".
- General rule number three.
We do not judge the child's behavior, we ask him or her not to make us uncomfortable.
Instead of saying "don't dangle your legs, it's not nice" and "sit up straight, girls shouldn't dangle their legs," we say: "Please be careful, you are hitting me with your feet."
- General rule number four is politeness!
A confident but friendly tone. We don't scold someone else's child, we ask them not to disturb us. Politeness will also help you not to turn the child's parents against you. And it will not cause a sharp protest against you from the child himself.
Children learn social interaction from adults. Respect your child, and when he or she grows up, he or she will respect you when you are old. Don't yell at someone else's child, and they won't yell at yours.
- General rule number five.
What should not be done?
- Do not make comments when a child is crying. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you, the parents will deal with it themselves. No matter how much you think that the parents are not coping, the parents will figure it out themselves. Only parents know why their child is crying, why their child won't stop crying, and what to do to make their child stop crying.
- Familiarize yourself with the child. "Why are you fighting", "Why are you crying" - this is familiarity. And it is as offensive to children as it is to adults, but the child, due to age and subordination, cannot adequately respond to you and protect his or her boundaries, which you violate by the form of treatment, abruptly entering the child's close circle.
- Discussing the behavior of a child and his or her parents in the third person in front of the child and parents. This is an unacceptable violation of the personal boundaries of the child and parents. It is understandable that you are angry and want to "take revenge," but... refrain.
- General rule number six.
How to address parents? No accusations, no rudeness.
Acceptable forms:
- "Please intervene, your child is upset that I won't give him our scooter."
- "I think a fight is brewing in the sandbox. Is your child there?"
- "Excuse me, could you hold the baby's feet?"
- "Help me, please, to organize the queue for the slide."
And if the parents have apologized for their child and intervened in the situation, you should not continue the conversation.